I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just gift wrapped bread.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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