Quick, to the slutcave!
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
