I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
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flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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