I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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