I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
