So drunk, too bad you don't want this
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
