There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
