dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
