bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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