Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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