Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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