Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
