PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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