if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
