We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
