Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
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