Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
