I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
