You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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