I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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