How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Hippo gnu deer
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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