I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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