This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
