I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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