Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
