There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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