Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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