So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i dont even know how to be here
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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