I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
