a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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