i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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