When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
