i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
