Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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