I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
