someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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