if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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