the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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