so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
