I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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