Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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