i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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