So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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