i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
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You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
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I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.