how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.