Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.