I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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