Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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