I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
