The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
