PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
