Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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