woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
