My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
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I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
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That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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