im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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