I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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