Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
